Use some common sense. Head-wise. New vitals. Whoever this alternate Cave Johnson is, he's a jerk. Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. When youâre making some great science, it helps to keep a positive attitude. That reminds me: Caroline, Do we have a wing made out of glass yet? That's right everybody, it's that time of year again: Happy Birth Day. We've had guys just walking along and suddenly, a portal opens beneath them and they fall out of a wall. She's the backbone of this facility. Attention: Chariots chariots. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Probably nothing. Out the front door. Possibly from an international tribunal. But, if you ARE talking to that other Cave, let me just remind you who you work for. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. Remember, if you see a giant set of car keys, those are mine. Remember - there is no "I" in science, at least not a capital one, except maybe if you shout, but throw in a "W" and there is a "we" and together WE can do anything WE put our minds to, and by WE I mean YOU. This stuff's costing me more than lobster, so we're going back to fishsticks. But the joke's on you. By the way, there's no "U" in science, either. Uh huh. Just make sure she's taken care of. Commonly available information that absolutely anyone would have told you if you'd bothered to ask. You can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you. Holy Hercules! Now I know you've sunk a lot of money into the dual portal device. I suppose tellin' you I'm not in my right mind could sway you to not unplugging me. Chariots chariots! Ramps are expensive. Just wanna let the cafeteria staff know to lay off the soylent green. What if injecting my consciousness into a computer robbed me of an eternal reward? We were virtually all pulling for him. Sorry fellas, she's married â to producing seeds that germinate and detach from her exoskeleton at high speeds in search of human hosts! The Grand Prize is whatever shower curtains I can dig out - a true piece of our companies [sic] history. Am I in danger? Continue testing. It's Cave. First: You're a damn good cop. I am literally in the future! [Dark Cave] Oh, yeah? Now get back to work. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! There may also be an identical fake button which is wired directly into the mains. I am deathly ill. The mantis men have officially taken over the building. [on mic] Greg tells -- [off mic] What? Now, I'll admit, losing my body does have its drawbacks. Cave Johnson, we're over and out here. I'm gonna need you to test double quick to make sure we're messing them up as badly as they're messing us up here. We know how to make a quantum space hole. Damn good science, too. Apparently they tried to commandeer the entirety of our nation's sugar reserves in Kentucky. Big firefight at Fort Sugar Knox. Hello, test subject. Remember: Moneyverse. Just a heads-up that our research into stopping all the godzilla attacks on U.S. soil has been postponed indefinitely. Tested on 'em anyway. Make life take the lemons back! Chariots chariots. Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. Safe. No twist. According to Greg, theoretically, there's an Earth out there made entirely of money. See, portal here, portal there... Heh heh! Every time I saw one, I thought, "Wow. by gamequotes from desktop or your mobile device Greg's multiple universe theory was dicey, but you're pulling through with flying colors. "Cave Johnson here. Can't hear a damn thing you're saying, so don't waste any oxygen trying to talk. Also, test subjects, I'll be gone for twenty-eight hours, test on your own recognizance. I amâHold on⦠[off mic] What? Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? I'm the hobo king. He was initially considered to be the main character of Portal 2, where players were in control of him as he was trapped inside a computer. Alright, start looking. From Combine OverWiki, the original Half-Life wiki and Portal wiki, Aperture Investment Opportunity #1: "Panels", Aperture Investment Opportunity #2: "Bot Trust", Aperture Investment Opportunity #3: "Turrets", Aperture Investment Opportunity #4: "Boots", https://combineoverwiki.net/index.php?title=Cave_Johnson/Quotes&oldid=453329. But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. We're in a test satellite orbiting the Earth. Anyway, it appears the test chambers in our dimension are being tested on. I'm serious. Oh, that's much better. Now, as you all know, the cloud has banned all camera technologyâhates getting its picture taken. Chariots, chariots. [thump thump] Hey. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. Anyway, this Earth is far too dangerous and we are pulling you out. You hear me? Man, this is excitin'. This is Cave. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel. Aperture-brand panels will assist your Test Subjects every step of the way. I'm the warden around here. As a being of pure intellect, I've now got time to read the entire literary canon of the human race. Pure Intellect Cave here. Iâm not made of glass. Hey, Dark Cave. Ha! After realizing that he was terminally ill, Cave attempted to cheat death by ordering Aperture's scientists to develop a computer network into which his consciousn⦠Wait. When life gives you lemons? The check may seem exorbitant, but you deserve it. Greg's been crunching some numbers here on Earth Prime. Alright, enough hypotheticals. Artificial Intelligence. That's right, you've been bought. He's the other Cave Johnson. If you are searching for Cave Johnson Quotes, you are arriving at the right place. See, the science boys invented me a machine to house my consciousness in. We're not out of this race yet, Caroline. [Cave Prime] Test subject: not clear! Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Paranormal. The real Cave. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympiansâyou're here because we want the best, and you are it. As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests. Great job, astronaut, war hero, and/or Olympian! Cave Johnson was created by designer Erik Wolpaw and is voiced by J. K. Simmons. Yes, you. Now, you already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself. Chariots chariots. [getting choked up] You test subjects are the best. [Cave Prime] Oh, you stubborn, handsome devil. That's a crusher. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. Here I go! Just a warning to you test subjects: Greg and the boys told me that the massive influx of information I'd receive when they transferred my consciousness into a stadium-sized super computer would turn me crazy. But don't worry, Cave took care of it. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with homo sapien DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news: bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. To science. Cave's father was a farming professor at the institute of farming although he never farmed a day in his life. Chariots Chariots. [echoey] Hello, test subject. Spiritually speaking. Anybody hearing this, shake the bushes and gimme your ten-twenty. If you hear just one "chariot", that's an alternate Cave. I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! Stop imposting! He's a sad little man. Ceaseless torture. Greg is on the table. Quotes Cave Johnson : [Cave Johnson died long before the events of the game. All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. So: Who is ready to make some science? [pause] Oh, and you. Asked for it. Cave here. Alright, get to it. Let's all pause for a moment to smell what the Rock was, is, and forever will be⦠cooking. Somebody doesn't get out there soon we're gonna have to have a lottery, because believe me, if we keep that cloud waiting much longer he's coming in under the doors, and he will leech off all of our skin. We're done here. I can feel myself shuttin' down. Just thought you should know, that sick boy from a couple of Earths ago? Just because we own a universe made of money, doesn't mean I'm made of money. So I'm shutting that down before you idiots end the world. If everybody's too cool to be subliminally propagandized, feel free to wear your magic sunglasses all damn day. Download Cave Johnson Quotes here for free. Unless⦠Aperture was the monster. Play These 13 Games Instead. It's also pretty dusty, so if you've got asthma, chances are you're gonna die up there. So I hope you're happy, we've got a bogey from Earth-1 loose on the premises. Anyway, you should be proud to be a part of Aperture's android law enforcement initiative. That alternate Cave Johnson is using ALL our test chambers now. Isn't that right, Caroline? Aperture Science is one dangerous place, but Cave Johnson always puts a cheery spin on it. He is described as an "eccentric dead billionaire" and "extroverted, enthusiastic, and opinionated." Otherwise, it's an imposter Cave. From our dimension? Bought 'em anyway. You are the first test subject we have ever sent into a parallel universe, which apparently has nothing to do with time travel. The real me. I'll pull some strings. The lab boys say if you insist on walking faster than light, you are one hundred percent going to go back in time. Also, he doesn't want any damn Cave Johnson is said to have learned to trust his gut. Chariots! A resonance cascade! After being exposed to moon dust his body started to shut down. Oh! No sir. Hizenstein Uncertainty Principles and so forth. That thing's called an elevator. [Cave Prime] While you were busy driving a wedge between us with your bidding war, Dark Cave's test subject found two moneyverse. Gentlemen, I give you the Long Fall Boot. Locks that don't open when the power goes out. Welcome, test subject, it's Cave. This idea was scrapped, however. Cave Johnson again, just a heads up, you are currently in a tiny test chamber floating around in my bloodstream.